Stressed

How does the "Soccer - Mom" do this shuttling kids around with out stressing the "f" out.  Because I'm there.  I work somewhat part-time so that I can be available to the kids after school and take them to their afternoon events.  Today, for example, I picked up my oldest, went back to work with her for a half an hour.  Then took her to class North of the City.  Then I went grocery shopping.  Picked up my middle child, then picked up the youngest.  I made one more 5 minute stop and scurried home.  I started this adventure at 2:30.  I ended about 6:15.  Now its dinner time.  The whole while, my now 4 yr old is screaming about how she wants her noodles.  (I made Pad Thai).  My husband is calling me telling me to make sure the middle one is ready for Basketball practice.  I have to remind her to put on her practice clothes no fewer than 4 times.  When I tell her that I shouldn't have to remind her 4 times, she tells me in a very nonchalant  way "that's not that many."  And in her world she is probably right because everything and anything needs to be repeated somewhere in the double digits range.   My husband drops off the oldest and now the basket ball player is headed to practice. Then the rest of us eat.  Time to rest? NOT - Its home work time.  I'm supposed to be doing pretty simple math , but my brain is telling me that this is cruel and unusual punishment.    By now, my husband is home washing dishes. And then THUMP!  the 4 yr old has fallen off the bed.  Its way passed her bed time!  I'm sleepy and my shoulders hurt from being so tense for so long.   Maybe "Soccer-Moms" are stressed too, but they do it with more style and grace.  I don't know.  I do know that I have a half-folded load of clean laundry waiting for me upstairs on my bed that I left this morning before work.  So I'm going now, because that pile stands between me and my ability to  rest my head on my pillow. Good Night.

Back on track!

Yes, I'm supposed to be making this my year  in words, and so far I've managed a few days and missed a few.  Now I'm back on track and updating what has been going on.  There are a couple of cool things.  One - Meeting a new friend.  Why is that significant?  Since I moved to NC 6 years ago I have been so busy I haven't really taken the time to get close to hardly anyone.  (With one very cool exception - Twanda).  I don't have a problem being friendly, but establishing true friendships here has been a little challenging to me.  I recently  discovered that my daughter's friend has a pretty cool mom that I look forward to hanging out with in the near future.  Second, is that I joined a group of women who play "Bunco."  Its a fun dice game ( no gambling involved) where 12 women get together, eat, talk and play a game for about 2 and half hours.  That's what I did last night, and had a ball.  I'm still trying to learn every ones name and feel 100% comfortable, but I'm getting there.

One lesson that I have taken from my experience so far is that when you shine a light on something broken, its a lot easier to see how to fix it.  And that's exactly what I've done.  I'm shining a light on what I see is missing in my life, and am being more aware of how to fix it.  Which I think is pretty cool.  I'm not perfect, and some days I won't do anything to get closer to my goal, but I actually feel good that I am working towards that goal of discovering a new me.

Ooops did I forget something?

I realized today that I really hadn't mentioned anything about my life; my day to day.  And why or how I could possibly feel like I've lost myself in the shuffle.  So here it is in a nutshell.  WIFE/MOM/?  I have been  with my husband for 19 years  - 13.5 Married.  We met in college.   We have three girls.  My oldest is 11, followed by a 9 and 3 (going on 4) year old.   My days are full of Laundry, cleaning, working in a family business, after school activities,  cooking, and then again laundry.  I know I mentioned Laundry twice, but it seems to be a very big part of my day.  I almost forgot to mention that I own a small business as well.  And that I fit in somewhere in my day most days.  The business usually overlaps with other things, so my husband and I have to juggle activities here and there.  Sometimes cooking is replaced by McDonald's , cleaning is sometimes left for tomorrow and laundry my be pushed back a bit ( That's when late night folding comes in.)  Some nights I don't see the house again until 10 or later.  Those are the days I dread.  These days my husband and I talk almost exclusively about  doctors appointments,who is picking up which kid at what time, what activities are upcoming, and my favorite - "what's for dinner?"  I say my favorite, but I mean that very sarcastically.   So when the day is said and done, most of every minute has been spoken for.   After the kids go to sleep, I may watch some tv for a while to vegetate.  The funny thing is that I am quite aware that there are many, countless other women/men with busier, more stressful lives than mine.  But I still don't know how you are supposed to keep some piece of your own identity, when you aren't really represented in your own day.  So that's that in a nutshell.

As for yesterday, I didn't end up reading a book.  I ended up laying in the bed with my husband and watched a documentary on the "Battle of the Bulge" from WWII.  I thought I wouldn't like it but it was very interesting. At some point I think I passed out and went to sleep because I don't exactly remember the end. 

Today was much of the same stuff.  However, in the mail, I found the package that I have been waiting for!!!!  It was FACE PAINT!  Yes face paint.  I was completely thrilled, because I have been wanting to try my hand at it.  I've been watching some you tube vids on different techniques and I just went for it.  I actually think I did a pretty good job.  And with 3 girls at home, they loved every minute of my practice.  I found it fun and I cant wait to paint them up tomorrow after school.   And speaking of school, I didn't have to drop them off at the Superintendents' office because school was back in session!  Yeah!!

OK so now I'm officially tired,  I hear the dryer rolling upstairs - folding will have to wait until morning.  Day three, done.

So what's next.....

OK, so I gave myself this challenge - See if I can "find" my self this year.  Just thinking about it, makes me jittery a bit.  I'm not quite sure how I'm going to go about this.  But I started to think -  lets start with a little time for myself each day.  How hard could that be, right?  Well today, I haven't even had five minutes to myself, let alone for myself.  I'll thank Durham public schools for that one.  Two and half days with no school due to weather.  I swear if they cancel or delay school tomorrow, I'm taking my kids down to the Superintendent's office and leaving them there with him!  (Not really, but I've been running that scenario through my mind for at least half of my day.  In my head it makes perfect sense.) 

Now I'm making party invites for my soon-to-be four year old.  Of course I waited to the last minute to plan anything, so I ended up with a horrible party time at the local party spot that we are using this time around.  Oh well - life goes on.  But I did stop to write this entry.  I wonder if that counts for "time for myself?" Maybe after I finish the invite and folding clothes, I'll pick up a book.  I wonder what one of those things look like.  You know that thing that has a bunch of words in it.  I really haven't read one in longer than I'm willing to admit.  We'll see how that goes.  Day two, done.

The Beginning....

So I have friends who blog.  Some blog about crafts and other interest, others a daily run-down of the goings on in their life.  They are fun and some times informative.  So why would I want to throw my hat into the world of blogging?  It's simple, but at the same time a little confusing.  I need an outlet to help me rediscover who the "?" is in the "mom/wife/?".  Someone asked me what do I like to do for fun - I struggled.  I know what my kids like to do, my husband loves golf and sports in general - and me I can't think of a thing I like to do to have fun any more.  Right now I do things to escape my busy life, but nothing outside of my family to enjoy life. 

Over the years I've heard it over and over again, "I don't know who I am anymore."  Back when I was younger I couldn't relate.  I mean, come on, you don't know who you are!?!  It seemed so silly to me.  Yet and still I'm right smack in the middle of feeling gray in world of color.  Not quite fitting. And feeling a little, well - a lot lost.

 I don't know if its a good idea or not, but today I decided to start my own blog.  About me, about my own journey to find what I like again. To rediscover who I aspire to be.  And to be truthful I don't really know what that involves, but I do know that I  have to start somewhere.    My plan is to write down a little something every day.  Hopefully I will see the progression over time.  So I'm starting with these few words to get the ball rolling.  My commitment to myself is write out my year in words, and see who I find.